Jokes 1 off topic:
For a time I used to go to the Coconut Comedy Club here in Clearwater on amateur night and try to get people to laugh.  They were friendly enough to laugh on occasion.  This is totally off the point, but unless I get a blizzard of negative feedback at I shall try from time to time to insert one of my routines as comic relief.  What I am giving you are the notes from which I worked.  Originally I tried to do without the microphone, confident that my voice would fill the hall.  That was a mistake.  I say if you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t learning.  So here is the first of the series:


It’s great to see all of you here.

This is a great country. We all love it.  But let me tell you a tiny thing that should make you love this country just a little bit more.

In Russia doctors can’t make enough money to support themselves by practicing medicine.  A lot of them are women, but men and women have the same problem.  In order to do medicine they have to make money some other way.  So they work as strippers in night clubs. 

If this were Russia I would be up here taking my shirt off.  Now aren’t you glad you live here? 

Kind of puts you in mind of worshiping the porcelain god.

“Wretch, wretch.  Oh my god.  Oh my dear sweet god.  You were always there when my need was greatest.”  I pray for my best friend.  “Ralph, Ralph.”  I pray my car will start. “Buick, Buick.” 

Even the bad things about this country are bad in a big way.  I don’t mean like having our shoes untied.  I mean hogtied and blindfolded.  For instance sex is disappearing.  It’s not just that we’re getting old.  The government did a study that found that the number of Americans between 18 and 24 who had never had sex with anybody went from 11% to 16% in five years.  That’s not counting people who had gay sex or people who were so traumatized that they’ll never do that again.  “After all these years I’m still getting these flashbacks.”  Afterglow. 

I know what you’re thinking.  “If fewer people are having sex, that leaves more for the rest of us.”  But you have to be responsible and think of the big picture.  When sex is gone, what will we make jokes about? 

All right.  I have a joke for you. 

A bunch of fish ready to cook up is called a mess of fish.  The same fish when they were swimming around in the water, they were a school.  So what can make a mess of a school?  Anybody?  Right.  A fisherman.  Isn’t that just horrible?

Schools here in Florida aren’t what they used to be.  It’s the same in California.  Oops.  I’m sorry.  Family show.  The Coho salmon out there used to be so many that when they were going upstream to spawn you could have walked across rivers on their backs if they’d hold still.  Now they are just about extinct, so the feds have decided to rescue them by maximizing their genetic diversity.

So here I call up the guy in charge.  I get his secretary.  I tell her, “He’ll want to speak with me.  Tell him I do the same funny things with my fingers as he does…. How would you know?  I keep dropping the phone.”  So she put him on. 

“Hi, brother.”  He dropped the phone. 

Now it didn’t go very well.  Somehow it seemed like I had slipped through a time warp and we were talking about civil rights or something that was settled when your grandparents were your age.  I tried to be direct.

“Are you out of your screaming skull?  Evolution set it up so the way those fish can survive is if they fight their way all the way back to the very brook where … Oh.  You’re a creationist.  All right, your god told those fish to go home to spawn and they’ve killed themselves doing it, and you’re making a mockery of it.  You’re shipping fish from one brook to another all over the place.”

Then he said, “Well we are a federal agency.  Of course we had to integrate the schools.” 

I dropped the phone.

Those fish are there for one thing.  It is the one thing that everybody in the world with a heart wants in the innermost soul.  The thing without which life is the horror of a homesick wilderness.

Raunchy cousins.

Raunchy cousins rah, rah, rah, rah.  Raunchy cousins rah, rah, rah, rah.

Brief dance:
Pump arm.
Dribble basketball behind back.

Highland fling.

Actually there is another school of thought on that.  There is eugenics or 99 more reasons not to have sex, the folks who brought you Nazi Germany.  Go figure.  They say you shouldn’t hang out with raunchy cousins.  And there are a lot of them.  It’s a school, so you can cross rivers walking on their backs while they’re having sex.  I forgot: no more sex. 

That seems like a pity, but I saw on the cover of Cosmopolitan that 64 percent of women want kinky sex.  I thought there might be a good article on transmission parts, so I bought the magazine.  While I was looking for any article on transmissions I ran across the article on kinky sex.  Sure enough two out of three women want kinky sex but have never tried it.  I guess the rest already do it.  Well that’s good news.  Women not only want sex but want it really intense. 

Women are so accommodating.  It’s just amazing what they will put up with.  It turns out the article was talking about handcuffs and blindfolds.  So they’re like, “Sex is OK, but I prefer you were hogtied and blindfolded.  I don’t want you looking at me or touching me” or maybe, “Hogtie and blindfold me.  I don’t want to see anything.  I don’t want to touch anything.”

“Gag, darling?”

“Oh, please, yes.” 

“Shall I take this shirt off?”

“No.  Ralph, Ralph.”

Aw, she’s praying for her other boyfriend. 


And that’s the way it was.  I knew from the start not to quit my day job.  Pity I didn’t have one. 

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